ORIGINAL POST WRITTEN ON 6/11/2020:
I know it's hard, but there's so much hope packed into all this. I know it's upsetting, but there's so much love here.
I know nobody needs my tears, and my apologies only matter so much to so many people. But I am sorry. And I will probably keep crying. And whether forgiveness exists for me in the hearts of my black brothers and sisters, I don't know and it's okay. I'm sorry, regardless. I'm making amends, regardless. I'm learning, and unlearning and doing better, regardless. I'm trying, making mistakes, and trying again, regardless. I'm showing up and doing the work and being better, regardless. This is MY burden to bear now and it's the least I could do. I'm here for love and justice, as Dr. Brown said...fully and forever! An ALL-SEASON LOVE WARRIOR.
These acts and laws and practices are horrific and inhumane and inexcusable, and the fact that so many of us were numb or could just move on with our day, NOT getting it and not LETTING ourselves "go there"...is how we got HERE. And it's enough now.
I was brought to tears, and to my knees, by ANOTHER video today. A video that's decades years old. One that I've seen in my feed for a couple days now and ignored because I thought "I can't watch another one!". But today, I called myself out on my bullsh*t, I pressed play and I didn't look away. We can't look away anymore.
The last couple weeks have taught me that I am strong enough to keep looking. (I always was, btw). I am strong enough to weep AND move forward. To move through the shock of it AND educate myself. As I buckle in grief and sorrow and guilt and shame and regret and remorse for what HAS been done and what is STILL being done, and the part I play in any of it, I can let my heart break WIDE open in these moments and still survive. I can let my suffering for another person, deepen my level of compassion and understanding, and I can let it propel me forward into action, as it always should have done.
I can use my voice, my platforms and my privilege to make a difference. I can do the work on myself, dismantling and dissolving and atoning for the racism deep within me that I didn't even know was there. I can educate myself and unlearn some deep rooted lies and nonsense and fear-based rhetoric. I can show up for my black friends and family in a REAL way. I am brave enough to have hard conversations now...when they're ready to...not just a Q&A that triggers and harms and adds to the burden so many of our brothers and sisters have to bear. But I am here now. Ready, willing and forever. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get it. But I'm here. And I love you.
And even amidst this massive seemingly all-consuming (r)evolution with a pandemic in the background, there is still space for love, for joy, for art, for music, for community, for play, for rest, for collaboration, for faith, for laughter, for creativity, for stillness, for pleasure, for connection, for LIFE. There MUST be. In fact, I think it's imperative. To keep choosing love, making the right choice instead of the easy one, and to keep showing up for each other.
We can do this. It's the least we can do.