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I lied to myself...again

So I was originally going to post this little clip on Instagram because it genuinely made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it. With something like, “Have you ever been SO moved by your own performance that you brought yourself to tears??? Well I have! #narcissism LOL” because it really IS kinda funny and I like making people laugh.

(Quick backstory: If you told me 6 months ago that in the middle of a global pandemic, I’d get the opportunity to audition for the FEMALE LEAD IN A NATIONAL TOUR OF A BROADWAY MUSICAL, I’d be like, “a global WHAT NOW????” and theeeennnnnn I would say, “REALLY???? ME???? IN A MUSICAL????? WOOOO HOOOO!!!!!”)

But that’s exactly what happened. Last Friday, I got to record a couple songs and a couple scenes, for the chance to be in a touring Broadway the middle of a pandemic. (How they think they’re going to pull this off, I have no idea, but that’s their department!)

So this…is the last 10 seconds of one of my audition songs WITHOUT the final cut I sent to producers. Enjoy!

(Before you ask - I think I'm looking around for Chris, my husband. Or a safety net, maybe? I have NO idea.)

But the point is – something in me was both tickled and moved by the experience of watching this moment. (It’s weird watching yourself act and sing anyway, btw, no matter how long you’ve been at this). But this was different. It was so genuine and surprising, and I REALLY wanted to share it with people for some reason. And at first I thought the only way I could do that, was if I was self-deprecating and mocked MYSELF, before anyone else could call out the ridiculousness of whatever just happened.

And underneath THAT thinking (the big lie) was the real truth, with a capital T: I was STILL living in this old b.s. story given to me by other people in my young and formative years, which is this: I’m conceded. “It’s not all about YOU, Miracle!” “You must be really full of yourself if you’re name is MIRACLE!” (like baby me had anything to do with what my name was! And BTW – in hindsight, why COULDN’T I name myself that if I wanted to? You could too! Aren’t we ALL miracles?!?!? Anyway – I digress.) Point being: If I LITERALLY moved myself to tears with my vocal performance, doesn’t that totally confirm this story around me being full of myself? This belief that I’ve been carrying around with me (on their behalf) for DECADES?

No. It doesn’t. The real REAL Truth, of what was happening in that moment, is that little Miracle, who’s wanted to be in a Broadway show as far back as she can remember, just sang her a** off, with all her might and meant every word out of her mouth and couldn’t be happier! She’s a full grown adult now, who knows her stuff, does things just for the joy of it, thanked the Universe for the opportunity, hit record, had the time of her life, and then pressed SEND!

What happens in those few seconds, is nothing but gratitude, vulnerability and joy personified…fully expressed, and fully released. That’s little Miracle AND big Miracle. Gratitude, Vulnerability, and Joy...that's how I "do" life anyway, btw. Always have. Only now I don’t have to make fun of it anymore, or myself. And the part of me that needed others to like me, to approve of me, to think I’m nice (or at least NOT conceded) – she melted back into the REAL me, and she’s taking some well-deserved time off, thank you very much. :)

And the reason I wanted to share this with all of YOU, is in case it inspires you to take a look at YOUR old stories or beliefs that you might be carrying around with you. And just maybe…NOW IS THE TIME TO LET THEM GO, Y’ALL! If you have any of those useless pieces of baggage that you want to leave behind in the old world as we start stepping into the new one, go ahead! What a GIFT of an opportunity we’re in right now, right??? As my bestie said a couple days ago: it’s like a giant, massive, RESET button!

I can’t think of a freer place to be, than knowing one’s own heart, desires, truth and intentions! That audition was one of the coolest and most fun experiences of my whole life! And I deeply appreciate you letting me share it with you. Thank you.